she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
