I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drake has all the answers
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
