I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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