A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
