Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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