remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
