Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
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