i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
