I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize