i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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