Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
