Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She bit a glass in half.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
