I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
soo... how was my night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
