Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
