he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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