i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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