dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
