I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
