um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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