The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
