Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
