$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
