glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
