Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
