Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
