Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
