Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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