I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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