Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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