Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize