I heard we made out
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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