I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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