Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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