his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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