my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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