just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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