I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
