My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Vodka?
Forever.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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