that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
