How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
