This is not my ceiling
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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