Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am midnight drunk by noon
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
