I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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