if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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