Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
