When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
