I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There r osticjed everywhere
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
