the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
