No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
