Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
