How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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