Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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