I haven't been this sober since birth.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
