This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
