He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
did i walk over a car last night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
