The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
