you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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