Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
