Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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