Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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