Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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