i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize