Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
