From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
