The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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