Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
