The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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